Here is an email I wrote last year which caused the odd chuckle to be heard. The email addresses have been removed but the rest is untouched (genuine spelling mistakes!).
From morgac Mon Nov 3 11:37:37 -0500 1997 From: Chris Morgan To: stuart.robinson CC: andrew.kirk Subject: Re: Stuff Herewith my fantasy review of the first half of "Reload" Track 1. Creeping Basterer of Justice Messiah Death Kill Realising their tattered metal credentials have worn paper thin, the boys chose to start this their most commercial album ever with a last, tongue-in-cheek fling with heaviness. Coming on like Sepultura on speed, the track explodes into life after an obligatory "real music" intro featuring spanish guitar and heavy breathing. Riff after riff pounds the listener into abject powerlessness and will have the fashion people choking on their coke. The sound of an orchestra of guitars being run over by the last train to hell with a particularly mean driver. Track 2. Heroin Following the shocking use of makeup and piercing on the last album, the band seems to want to go one better than Eric Clapton by doing a song about _the_ cool drug of the fashion scene, smack. A first for the band sees Kirk singing the praises of injecting with just enough irony for them to claim it's an anti-drug song. Yeah right. Is that like Kurt Cobain singing "no I don't have a gun" on "Come as you are"? Track 3. Loud Thing Evidently a Lars only demo that nobody could be bothered to add a melody to, the track is an atavistic throwback to the live albums of the seventies featuring, basically, a drum solo, some half-assed chanted choruses and some "weird" sample things. Your intrepid reviewer hereby predicts Lars trying to claim a) he's becoming a real musician, or b) the track is a complete piss-take, or possibly c) both. Track 4. Ain't my smack, bitch Continuing the early theme, or perhaps as a tribute to the Prodigy this track features the very first ever combination of riffs with drum and bass rhythms. Amazingly it works quite well, but purists have already pointed out that thrash is the one music in the world harder on the drummer than drum'n'bass, hence Lars is really still taking the easy route out. How long before a metal cover of Narayan? Track 5. Noodle Surprise Again another first for the crew, the track is a solo piece by the Hamster. The noodle in question is his customary high-speed widdliness and quite wisely does not appear at all (hence the surprise). This leaves Kirk in the far more interesing territories of jazz, but again Satch got their first and did it better. More when I think of some more things to ridicule them with... Chris